


The Talk

by Starwolf69



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Kid Fic, M/M, The Talk, embarrassed dads, is it still a kid fic if the kids are snakes but so is one of the parents, more about snake reproduction that you ever wanted to know, parenting is hard, pre-sneenagers, wiggleverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:53:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22205155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starwolf69/pseuds/Starwolf69
Summary: Crowley and Aziraphale have decided it is time to have The Talk with their pre-sneeagers.  Much embarrassment and bumbling ensues.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 128
Kudos: 194
Collections: Wiggleverse





	1. Research Talk

**Author's Note:**

> I now know more about snake reproduction that I ever really wanted to know. More Victorian naughtiness. My second multi-part story.

Something was bothering Azpriaphale. Crowley could feel questions and concerns clouding his angel’s aura. Add that to the general distraction and frequent sighing, the demon was driven directly to where his self-loathing always took him – Aziraphale was leaving him. 

“Crowley, my dear,” Aziraphale said, handing the demon a cup of tea. “We need to talk.”

Crowley hung his head and mumbled, “Okay, angel. I’m listening.”

Aziraphale looked around the kitchen and shook his head. “After dinner in the study. I don’t want to be interrupted.”  
Crowley nodded and slowly walked outside. Once on the patio, he shifted to snake form. Sometimes it was better not to have tear ducts. His slithered back inside and into the bedroom he shared with Aziraphale. He crawled into the laundry basket and coiled for a nap. The dirty clothes smelled like Aziraphale and him which blended into a scent that was simply home.  


He was awakened by a yelp from Aziraphale. He opened one eye to see the angel with one hand over his heart and the other holding the dresser.

“Crowley!” he panted. “Naughty snake! You frightened me. What are you doing?”

The snake gave him a mournful look and slithered out of the basket and outside. He curled up under the rhododendron and dozed, trying to turn his brain off. 

He stayed under that shrub until after dinner. With a soft hissing sigh, he slithered back into the house and shifted. He walked slowly to the study. The door was closed, but he could see a light on under the door. He knocked softly.

“Angel? It’s me.”

Aziraphale cracked the door open and, upon finding Crowley alone, opened the door for him. Crowley gave the angel and sad look and settled on the settee. Aziraphale frowned. He knew Crowley was upset but he couldn’t figure out why. 

“Crowley, I’ve been thinking . . .”

The demon burst out. “Please don’t leave me!”

Shudders wracked Crowley’s thin body as he hugged himself. Aziraphale stared – him mind unable to completely catch up. 

“What?”

“That’s what you want to talk about. You’re going to leave me,” Crowley moaned, his voice cracking.

“No . . . I’m not.”

“What?”

“I’m not leaving you,” Aziraphale said.

Crowley flung himself backward with a growl. “But you . . . I thought that . . . talk is never good . . . what?”

Aziraphale sat next to him, pulling the demon close. He stroked russet hair and hummed softly. Crowley clung to him, shaking and keening.

“Silly demon. I love you, you dear, dear boy! I’m not leaving. Ever. When is that going to sink into that stubborn brain of yours?” 

“Well, if you’re not leaving, why couldn’t we talk earlier?” Crowley asked, crawling into his angel’s lap. 

Aziraphale was quiet for a moment. Crowley snuggled closer, tucking his nose against the angel’s neck. For what Aziraphale needed to say, Crowley was exactly where he needed to be. Aziraphale gently played with the demon’s hair. 

“Well, the children are getting older, coming to that age actually, when they will start to become curious about certain . . . things. They should learn about such things here, at home, from us so they get good information.”

“Angel, what are you rabbiting on about?”

“Amorous congress,” Aziraphale answered. “Convivial society.”

“Huh?”

The angel squawked, “Bread and butter! The blanket hornpipe! The old rumpty-tumpty!”

“Oh. Sex,” Crowley said.

“Yes!” Aziraphale nearly screamed.

“They’re too little,” Crowley replied simply as he snuggled closer to his angel.

Aziraphale shook his head. “Their people-shapes will be reaching puberty soon.”

Crowley shook his head and kissed Aziraphale’s neck. “Nuhhh. Still babies.”

Aziraphale sighed through his nose. “Crowley, my beloved husband. You have to trust me on this. It is time, my love. We don’t want to end up grandfathers because we didn’t do our job and teach them about . . . about . . .”

“The beast with two backs?” Crowley offered.

“Well, yes! In people-from and snake-form. And all the variations.”

“And we are going to teach them all this?”

“It is our duty.”

“What if we cock this up?”

Aziraphale raised a brow at him. Crowley snickered a little but clung to the angel. The demon sobered.

“I don’t want them to be old enough to know about his stuff,” Crowley said softly as a shudder ran through his body.

Aziraphale rubbed his back. “I know, darling, but children have a way of growing up whether you want them to or not. All we can do is take care of them and love them. This is part of taking care of them, my love.”

“So when did you become an expert in, er, amorous congress? In snakes, no less?” Crowley asked.

Aziraphale blushed, “I’ve been doing research.”

“Oh, really,” Crowley drawled.

Aziraphale reached for a notebook and showed Crowley page after page of notes in Enochian. Between the notes and the drawings and a couple of graphs, complete with a color-coded key, the angel had pretty well covered the subject. 

“They can’t read Enochian,” Crowley said turning the book upside down at a particularly confusing drawing.

“We wouldn’t just hand them a book, silly boy!” Aziraphale told him.

“We wouldn’t?”

“No,” Aziraphale said giving him a withering look. “We most certainly would not.”

“So, what **would** we do?”

“Teach them. Tell them the facts and answer their questions. Assure them that they are perfectly normal and, that no matter what, they are always loved and protected.”

“But they aren’t normal, any more than we are,” Crowley said. “They are half-demon and half-angel manifested because Azirafather couldn’t take a practical joke.”

Aziraphale sighed, “All the more reason we must teach them.”

“I suppose,” the demon finally said. 

“Crowley,” Aziraphale said slowly. “In your snake form, are you **exactly** like a snake?”

Crowley frowned and sat up. “Why?”

Aziraphale thumbed through the notebook and pointed. “I found all this information about snakes. It’s terribly interesting! Male snakes have two . . . two . . . appendages for . . . amorous congress. Isn’t that absolutely the most resourceful thing you have ever heard of?”

“Whu . . . er . . . mmm,” Crowley stammered. “Y-yes?”

Aziraphale continued, “And female snakes can store . . . male fluids for months until they are ready to become pregnant. This book, written by a lovely female herpetologist, said that our girls may be larger than our boys in snake form – male snakes like larger females. There is that whole unfortunate sexual cannibalism thing, but . . .”

“Wha?” Crowley croaked.

Aziraphale continued. “So I just started thinking that if we knew more about your snake shape, we would be able to know more about theirs.”

“And how do you propose we do this?” Crowley asked suspiciously.

“Well,” Aziraphale said slowly, “According the book, all we have to do is probe your cloaca. Easy peasy.”

“Probe?” Crowley gasped. “You want to probe my what?”

Aziraphale sighed. “Crowley, how are we going to know what to tell the children if we don’t know with what we are dealing? Anyway, I would like very much to see a . . . a snake’s most clever appendage. For science of course.”

“Angel, I love you and I love the kids, but there is no way you are probing **anything** on me while I’m in snake form.”

“Well, then, can you . . . show me?” Aziraphale asked.

Crowley grumbled. “You drew a picture of it. Do you really need to see it too?”

“Can I?” the angel asked, a little too excitedly. “It seems to be such an interesting bit of nature!”

“No!” Crowley hissed. “You just can’t . . . I mean, I can’t just . . . Angel!”

Aziraphale looked a little disappointed. Crowley huffed. The day had been very overwhelming and he was fighting very hard not to go snakey. There was a tap at the door.

“Father? Azirafather?” Rosa called through the door. “The Chase is on! Are you coming to watch with us?”

Crowley kissed Aziraphale’s nose and stood slowly. He offered his hand to his angel and pulled him to his feet. Wrapping his arms around Aziraphale, he hugged him close. Rosa tapped again.

“Azirafather? Father?”

“Coming, Rosa, my love,” Aziraphale called. “Father and I will be right there.”

Crowley kissed him once more. “Maybe someday, angel, I’ll show you my clever appendages.”

Aziraphale giggled. “I do hope so. But, for now, the children are awaiting our presence in the family room.”

They walked to the family room, arms around each other and settled on the sofa so they stay close. Clem slithered on to the sofa and rested his head on Aziraphale’s shoulder as he stretched across the sofa back. The others moved close to lean against their fathers’ legs, particularly sensing Crowley’s need for closeness. Crowley squeezed Aziraphale’s hand and rested his head on the angel’s shoulder, relaxed for the first time since he awoke.


	2. Snake Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale and Crowley have a talk with their children about their snake bodies and reproduction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Discussion of snake reproduction and pieces parts. 
> 
> The Maury Show is daytime TV in the US that typically features paternity test results.
> 
> I don't know what sex ed in England is like so I subjected the girls to the lousy Abstinence Only programs that we have in the US.

It was decided that they would wait for the weekend to being their talks with the children. Crowley couldn’t wait. Not because he was eager to admit that his babies were growing, but because Aziraphale’s sudden interest in snake anatomy was driving him utterly mad.

The day after their talk, Crowley was in a tree, on a low branch, attempting to rout a group of squirrels who were digging holes in his flower beds. Suddenly something grabbed his tail. He hissed and whipped around to find Aziraphale smiling at him. Crowley whipped his tail out of the angel’s grabby hands and slithered higher in the tree.

The following day, he was having a bask on the back patio when his tail was suddenly lifted, ripping him out of his light doze. Again, Aziraphale grinned at him as his fingers moved toward Crowley’s cloaca. Crowley hissed loudly and slithered under the rose bushes to finish his nap. 

The final straw came when he was sleeping in the laundry basket. It smelled like his angel which made him happy. He found himself in a very pleasant dream. In the dream, Aziraphale was a very pretty snake, pale gold and white with blue eyes. He was flirting with Crowley, slowly slithering back and forth in front of him. Crowley reared his head up and gently bumped his head on top of the Aziraphale snake’s head. The Aziraphale snake rubbed his tail against Crowley, clearly wanting to take things further. Crowley felt the other snake rub against his cloaca. It felt so good, so slick, so real. He jerked awake to find Aziraphale gently   
rubbing just under his cloaca, gazing at the pocket in Crowley’s tail intently. The demon shifted and glared.

“What are you **doing**?” he spluttered.

“Science,” Aziraphale answered.

“Well, stop sciencing on me!”

The angel smiled. “You’d rather me science on someone else?”

“No! But, it’s . . . weird,” the demon said with a shudder. 

Saturday evening finally arrived. Crowley’s anxiety at the impending talk was exceedingly high. By the time they sat down to dinner, the demon was trembling and unable to eat anything. The children looked at each other worriedly. 

“Is Father okay?” Junior asked.

Aziraphale took Crowley’s hand and gently rubbed his thumb across his knuckles. He cleared his throat a few times. “Children, after dinner, we need to have an important talk.”

Rosa’s lower lip trembled. “That’s what Molly’s parents said before he father left.”

Crowley shot Aziraphale an I-told-you-so look. The angel sighed through his nose. “No one is leaving anyone.”

“Are you sure?” Rosa asked, tears brimming.

“Positive!” Aziraphale told her firmly. “Children, you are growing up and Father and I think that we need to begin teaching you about . . . about . . .”

“Sex,” Crowley croaked.

Giggles and blushes went around the table. It was Angelica who finally said something.

“We already learned about that at school.”

Both Crowley and Aziraphale when very still. It was the angel who asked, “W-What did they teach you?”

She looked over at Rosa. “Don’t have sex until you are married. If you do, you are like used sneakers that no one will want because they are all gross and nasty.”

“Or chewed gum,” Rosa added. “And who wants that?”

“Or tape that doesn’t stick because it’s been stuck on more than one person,” Angelica said. “I don’t know if sex includes Adult   
Time or not so it’s good that you and Father are married.”

Crowley opened and closed his mouth a few times. Aziraphale looked horrified at what the girls had been learning at school.

“Let’s go into the family room so we can all be comfortable,” Aziraphale suggested, standing and offering his arm to Crowley. 

Crowley took it and allowed himself to be led into the family room. He and Aziraphale settled on the love seat. The children sat on the sofa, in a row, with Clem coiled on the armrest. Five sets of eyes were focused on their fathers. 

“I’m sorry you were taught that, my dears,” Aziraphale said. “That’s not how it really is. Father and I want you all to be comfortable with your bodies and with your choices. Whether you chose to have . . . relations or not is completely up to you and your partner. There is no judgement as long as you are being safe. Before I continue, we want you to know that you can always talk to us and ask us questions. If we don’t know the answer, we’ll help you find it. There is nothing to be embarrassed about, okay?”

The children nodded, carefully watching Crowley’s reactions. The demon clung to Aziraphale, trembling and a little pale. Junior moved off the sofa and sat on a pillow at Crowley’s feet, resting his head against his father’s legs. Crowley stroked his hair with a trembling hand. 

“We would like to address both your snake bodies and your human bodies,” Aziraphale continued. “Father and I don’t exactly know a lot about how this is all going to work for you physically because of your parentage. You are unique in the universe, my darlings. Additionally, Father and I didn’t go through adolescence so this will be a new experience for us too. But, we’re a family and we’ll get through this together.”

Crowley nodded, still stroking Junior’s hair. Rosa got off the sofa and crossed to the loveseat. She gave the angel a tiny smile and crawled into his lap. Clem slithered off the sofa and on to the loveseat, stretching himself across both fathers’ shoulders. Angelica and Datura joined Junior on pillows on the floor, just wanting to be close to the two beings who loved them more than anything.

“We are going to talk about your snake bodies first,” Aziraphale said, reaching for his notebook. “Snakes are different from people in many ways. Firstly, female snakes are generally larger than males. So, as you grow, you’ll start to notice the size difference. However, male snakes prefer larger females so this works out well.”

“What about Tura?” Angelica asked. “What will they look like?”

Aziraphale stroked Tura’s hair and said, “Probably on the smaller side, like Junior and Clem.”

Datura looked down, studying their hands. They had already started to notice how much taller than the girls they were in people shape. They moved closer to Crowley, seeking comfort. Junior made room for them, resting against their back as they both pressed against Crowley’s legs.

“Female snakes also control the mating process. A female snake can store se . . . se . . . semen for months or years, until she is ready to be pregnant,” Aziraphale said, blushing fiercely.

“What’s semen?” Angelica asked.

“The boy’s part of making a baby, stupid,” Junior said. “Everyone knows that.”

“And where did you learn about that?” Crowley asked, raising an eyebrow. "And don't call your sister stupid."

“The Maury Show,” Junior answered. “On Congratulations-You’re-The-Father day.”

Crowley grumbled something about getting rid of cable. Aziraphale flipped a few pages in his notebook and continued.

“Male snakes try to get the female snake’s attention. The one that wraps his tail around hers is the one. However, if she can interrupt the process if he isn’t satisfactory.”

Crowley interrupted. “It has to be mutually acceptable to both parties. If either party doesn’t want it, then it shouldn’t happen. That’s in snake form or people form. That’s called consent and it is essential. Both people have to want it. No one has the right to force you to let them touch you or take anything from you that you don’t want to give.” 

“Your father is right,” Aziraphale said. “Consent is very important. This is something that the beings involved need to trust each other. You can’t trust someone who isn’t acting like the care about you.”

“So, the snakes just decide they want to have babies and they do?” Rosa asked.

“No,” Aziraphale said slowly. “The male snake has a special appendage that allows him to put his semen into the female to make babies.”

“The hemipenis,” Datura said. “Snakes have two while most mammals have one. They are inside the cloaca. Snakes put their cloacas together so they can make babies.”

Crowley’s jaw dropped. “The Maury Show again?”

“No,” Datura snorted. “Animal Planet.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Angelica said. “That’s where snakes pee from. How can you make babies and pee from the same spot?”

Datura rolled their eyes. “Different pathways, duh. That’s where the babies or the eggs come from too.”

“How long does ‘the process’ take?” Junior asked, adding air quotes.

Crowley smiled. “For snakes? About an hour. During ‘the process’, the female and the male are what’s called locked. They are just kind of stuck together. It doesn’t hurt as long as they aren’t forced apart.”

“Father?” Rosa asked. “Did you have relations as a snake with another snake?”

“Well,” Crowley said. “No, but I know that’s how it works.”

The children were quiet, clearly thinking about all the information they had just received. Crowley looked at Aziraphale and shrugged. Aziraphale smiled softly as he waited patiently for the children to finish processing.

“Azirafather?” Rosa asked. “What about love?”

The angel smiled. “My darling, love is the best part. I can’t speak to snakes and their feelings, but for people and angels and some demons, love is the best part of all of this. It makes the process go from just making babies to making love.”

Angelica giggled at that phrase. Datura blushed deeply, pressing his face against Crowley’s leg. Junior made a face. 

“We’ll talk more about that when you talk about people shaped bodies,” Aziraphale said. 

_Father?_ Clem asked. _Is that how we got here?_

Crowley smiled softly. “No, sweet love. You got here because your angel dad believed you into existence.”

“After your demon dad told me that I was taking care of his eggs,” Aziraphale added.

“Father can’t lay eggs,” Junior said.   
Aziraphale sighed. “Yes, I know but I thought maybe they were eggs that he fathered. Anyway, do you have more questions for us?”

“Can we watch TV with you and Father now?” Datura asked.

“Of course,” Aziraphale said with a tiny smiled. “As long as they are no other questions.”

“TV!” Angelica cheered.

“Anything but The Maury Show or Animal Planet,” Crowley grumbled.

The children settled on watching “Jeopardy”. Rosa and Clem cuddled up against Aziraphale while the other three snuggled with Crowley. They all needed to be close and needed the comfort of touch. Aziraphale looked over at Crowley who grinned back at him. The angel shook his head and smiled – one talk down and one to go.


	3. Adult Snakey Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale feels terrible about "sciencing" on his husband.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not as light as other chapters, but a good ending.

Later that evening, after the children were tucked into bed, Aziraphale lay in bed reading while Crowley slept next to him. The angel absently stroked the shock of red hair that poked out from under the blankets. As he read a rather dry tome on herpetology, his mind drifted to the conversation earlier with the children. Crowley had done so well explaining things to them, regardless of his anxiety. The demon was wound so tightly, he fell asleep almost as soon as they settled into bed. The more Aziraphale thought about their first talk with the children, the worse he began to feel. In his zeal to learn everything he could about snake reproduction, he had spent a good deal of the week hunting Crowley and subjecting him to some rather questionable scientific studying. The longer he thought about it, the worse he felt. 

When he couldn’t stand it any longer, he gently shook Crowley. “Crowley? Dear? Wake up, please.”

“Someone better be dead or on fire,” the demon mumbled, burrowing under the blankets more. 

“Crowley,” Aziraphale said again. “I need to talk to you. Can you please wake up?”

Crowley looked out from under the blankets, blurry eyed and squinting. “Angel? What’s wrong?”

“I can’t sleep,” Aziraphale told him.

“I can,” he answered, flopping back down. “You shutting up will help you sleep.”

Aziraphale sighed. “No, darling. I really need to tell you something and I need you to be awake.”  
With a tiny grumble, Crowley emerged from the blankets and flopped down on the pillow. Aziraphale lay down so they were face to face. He needed to see Crowley’s eyes.

“I have been behaving like an absolute beast this week. In my quest for information about snake biology, I forced you to be subjected to things you didn’t want to do. And I’m sorry. What you told the children about consent made me start thinking about what I had done. I’m so very sorry, my beloved husband. Can you forgive me?”

Crowley gazed at his angel and nodded silently. He moved so they were lying with their noses touching. Aziraphale looked near tears. Crowley gently stroked his cheek. 

“Thank you, angel. If you really wanted to know, you could always just ask. I mean, I’m different from wild snakes. You can ask me stuff and I can answer.”

“Even now? Even after I was an absolute brute to you?”

Crowley smiled. “Yes, darling. You’ve been beastly to me before and I’ve always forgiven you. Just as you have always forgiven me when I’ve acted like a horse’s end.”

“Yes, but this is different,” Aziraphale worried. “I . . . I molested you.”

“You tried to.”

“But . . . here we are trying to teach the children right from wrong and I committed a huge wrong against the one I should hold sacred. Oh, Crowley!”

It was here that the angel dissolved into a sniffling, whimpering puddle in their bed. Crowley hugged him close, wiggling over to press tightly against him. He stroked blonde curls until Aziraphale’s breathing slowed and steadied. 

“Aziraphale?”

“Yes?”

“Do you want to know why I couldn’t . . . wouldn’t . . . show you . . . that?”

Aziraphale nodded. “If you would want to tell me.”

“My . . . clever appendages haven’t seen much action,” Crowley confessed softly. “Well, any action, to be more to the point. Wild snakes have always been afraid of me. Not really a good thing for getting any . . . er . . . company.”

“Oh, my poor darling!”

Crowley shrugged. “Demons are used to being alone.”

“Not anymore,” Aziraphale declared. “Never again.”

“I had a dream when I was sleeping in the laundry basket,” Crowley murmured. “You were a snake, a beautiful ivory and gold snake. You . . . you flirted with me. You wanted me. And I wanted you. I woke up when I wrapped my tail around dream you.”

Aziraphale gently stroked Crowley’s face. “My love, if I could shift like you do, I would. So you wouldn’t be lonely when you are a snake. And we could put your clever appendages to good use, I’m sure.”

“You could,” Crowley said softly.

“I could what?”

“You could shift,” Crowley told him. “Just a tiny miracle. I bet no one would even notice.”

Aziraphale gave a tiny, soft laugh. “Could you see me as a snake? I’m sure I’d make a right mess of that to be sure.”

“I could teach you,” Crowley offered, yellow eyes searching Aziraphale’s. “Our children could teach you.”

“Crowley,” Aziraphale sniffled. “My darling. Here I woke you to apologize and it ends up that you are comforting me.”

“Maybe just try it?” the demon offered. “See how it goes?”

“Let’s get through explaining the human part of our teachings about amorous congress, then we can maybe talk about teaching me to be a snake.”

Crowley gave him a crooked grin. “If you were a snake, you might get to see it all. Life as a snake is so much more intense.”

Aziraphale snuggled close to his demon. Maybe he should try life as a snake at least once. In the name of science, of course.


	4. Teen Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ineffable dads talk to their children about being teenagers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEADS UP: Discussions of periods, bras, and all the joys of teenage life.

The next Saturday, Aziraphale spent the day baking and making a special dinner for his family. The children had been subdued all day, staying close to Crowley or in snake form for much of it. Low-level waves of anxiety surrounded the demon. The children tried to distract him as much as they could. Angelica came into the kitchen and sat down at the table.

“Azirafather? Has father always been so . . . worried?” she asked, toying with the bowl of fruit that sat on the table.

“Well, he’s always been a little high-strung,” Aziraphale answered as he put topping on the pizza he was making. “But I think he didn’t realize you all would grow so fast and I think that makes him sad and worried.”

“Are you sad and worried?” she asked.

Aziraphale shook his head. “No, my dear. You will always be our babies, no matter how old you are.”

“It’s a long time until we are ready for college,” she said, eating a grape. “By then, maybe Father will be less worried.”

“He will always worry about you,” the angel said with a smile as he put the pizza in the oven and set the timer. “That’s just him. How about if you start setting the table so we are ready to go when the pizza is done?”

Angelica sighed. “Can someone help me?”

“Of course. Go get a helper.”

She jumped up and went back to the family room. She returned, dragging Datura behind her. Clem was wrapped around her shoulders. Datura got the plates while Angelica and Clem got the silverware. Aziraphale busied himself with cleaning up the kitchen. He watched the children. While they both were growing, Datura was showing their father’s lanky frame. Angelica was getting tall, but nowhere near Datura and Junior. Clem was stockier than his siblings, but still showing he was growing. 

“Are we going to have another talk tonight?” Datura asked, putting out glasses for everyone.

“Yes, darling,” Aziraphale said. “We are going to talk about being a teenager tonight.”

“We aren’t teenagers yet,” Angelica said. 

“You will be soon. Father and I want you to be prepared.”

Angelica rolled her eyes and grunted. Aziraphale was a little nervous about this conversation. Neither he nor Crowley had been teenagers so they rather out of their depth on this particular topic. He had studied all week to prepare himself to explain to the children about being a teenager. They had debated talking to the boys separate from the girls but they didn’t want to make Datura feel left out or forced to choose a group. They finally decided that the children needed to know all sides so they would have a balanced view of life and an understanding of other genders. 

Dinner was typical – the children chatted about their day. Crowley nibbled at his dinner, giving his angel a brave smile every now and then. Clem joined them in people shape because he liked pizza.

“Father!” Rosa huffed. “Tell Junior that three pieces of pizza is enough!”

“I’m hungry!” Junior whined. 

“Eat your salad, spawn,” Crowley murmured gently. “I know you don’t like veggies but you need them.”

“Yes,” Rosa teased. “Eat your salad.”

Junior grumbled, stabbing at his salad with his fork. “Eat your own salad.”

“We have apple dumplings and ice cream for dessert,” Aziraphale told them. “But I need to see clean plates first.”

The children finished their dinners, Junior finally choking down his salad after his siblings had finished. Rosa and Junior cleared the table. Junior ate the pizza crusts Datura and Crowley had left on their plates. Rosa frowned at him as they sat back down. Aziraphale took Crowley’s hand and held it tenderly.

“Would you like to have your dessert now or after we talk? We could have a nibble while we are watching TV if you want.”

“I vote for after,” Rosa said. “I’m full from dinner.”

“I vote for now,” Junior said. “I’m still hungry.”

“Let’s wait,” Datura said softly. “Then we can have a snack while we watch TV.”

“Later,” Angelica agreed. 

“Can we do both?” Clem asked. “Have some now and some later?”

Aziraphale squeezed Crowley’s hand. “Let’s talk first then we’ll have our dessert.”

They moved to the family room. Crowley and Aziraphale settled on the sofa while the children settled around them. Rosa sat next to Aziraphale with Clem sitting next to her. Angelica sat next to Crowley, holding his other hand. Junior and Datura sat on pillows on the floor as close to their fathers as they could get. Aziraphale thought for a few moments before speaking.

“I found several books about growing up, but I thought it would be better if we just talked. Growing up in your people shape is different than growing up in your snake form. In people, there are many changes that come at puberty.”

“What’s that?” Clem asked.

“It’s when your body becomes mature,” Aziraphale told him. “Your hormones will start telling your body that it is time to change into a more adult form. Your human form won’t finish growing for a while. Puberty takes many years to be complete.”

“What kind of changes?” Angelica asked suspiciously.

Aziraphale continued, “When you are snakes, with each shed, you grow a little longer and a little more like a mature snake. When the hormones began increasing in your body, you will begin to notice changes. Probably the first change you will notice is hair will start to grow in different places on your body – under your arms, on your legs, and in your private areas. Boys get hair on their arms and chests and eventually on their faces.”

“What about girls, Azirafather?” Rosa asked.

“Well, you girls will obviously not get hair on your chests or your faces and the hair on your arms will be lighter. But you will have your own changes to face. You will develop . . .” Here, the angel made circular motions in front of his chest.

“Boobs,” Junior offered. 

“Breasts,” Aziraphale corrected. “You also may menstruate. Father and I aren’t completely sure how things will happen for you,  
but we are ready to help you all we can. You will definitely need to learn about wearing a brassiere.”

Junior looked up. “What’s that?”

“A bra, dummy,” Angelica said, nudging him with her foot.

Junior giggled. “Glad I don’t have to do that.”

“Who will teach us about brassieres?” Rosa asked.

“I will,” Crowley said. “We’ll go shopping and get you fitted properly.”

“But . . . but,” Rosa stammered. “Is that proper?”

Junior frowned at her. “It’s Father! Of course it’s proper!”

“Don’t worry, sweetheart,” Crowley soothed. “No one will know I’m not your mother.”

“But what about football?” Angelica asked. “How am I going to play football when I have to deal with a bra?”

“We’ll get you some special sports bras,” Aziraphale told her.

“Father?” Datura asked softly. “Can I come too?”

Crowley stroked their hair. “Of course, spawn. You are very welcome to come with us.”

Angelica grunted and crossed her arms. “What’s that other thing you said? Is it as annoying as a bra?”

“Human females can conceive a child every month. Unlike snakes, they release eggs each month. If the egg is fertilized, they will have a baby. If not, the egg and the lining of the uterus shed away,” Crowley told her. “The lining is made of blood and tissue to keep the fertilized egg healthy.”

“Shed away how?” Angelica asked.

“Well,” Crowley said. “It passes out of the birth canal. It takes about a week for it all to shed away.”

Angelica looked aghast. “Are you telling me that I’m going to be passing blood from . . . down there . . . for a week? Every month?”

Crowley nodded. “Potentially.”

“Gross!” Junior yelled, wrinkling his nose.

“It is **not** gross,” Aziraphale scolded. “It is a natural and beautiful thing.”

“Will Junior and Tura and I bleed?” Clem asked, looking both a little sick and very frightened.

Aziraphale patted Clem’s leg. “No, pet. You and Junior definitely won’t. We have to see about Tura.”

“I wish it didn’t happen to any of us,” Clem said softly. “Bleeding is bad. Will it hurt them?”

Aziraphale shrugged. “The book said that the woman may be crampy and extra emotional during that time.”

“I’m not doing any of that,” Angelica said. “I’m just not.”

Crowley wrapped his arm around her. “Oh, pet. It doesn’t work like that.”

“Do the boys have anything nasty to deal with?” Rosa asked. 

"The boys will have their own things," Crowley said. "Their voices will start changing and they will find themselves becoming . . . aroused randomly."

Aziraphale sighed. “All of you will have to pay special attention to bathing and begin wearing deodorant. The hormones will make your sweat smell stronger and you’ll find your skin becoming oilier.”

“Junior stinks now,” Angelica said, still pouting. “How much worse could he smell?”

“Shut up,” Junior hissed.

“You shut up,” Angelica answered.

Crowley took over. “You all are going to be moodier and are going to need to learn when to leave each other alone. You might also find that you are clumsier because you are growing so fast.”

“You are kidding me!” Angelica growled. “And clumsier too! I’ll be useless on the football pitch!”

“Darling,” Aziraphale said to her. “We aren’t saying this is all going to happen. But we want you to be prepared if it does happen.”

Crowley sighed. “And you’re probably going to start finding yourself attracted to others.”

“Clem already is,” Rosa teased. “I think he likes Molly.”

“I do like Molly,” Clem said. “She’s my friend.”

“I mean, like-like,” Rosa continued. “And I think she like-likes you.”

Clem blushed deeply and studied his knees. Rosa gently shoulder bumped him until he smiled. 

“Azirafather?” Junior asked. “Are you going to tell us about Adult Time? Or is it just like snakes?”

“Obviously it’s different,” Datura answered. “People don’t have a hemipenis like snakes do.”

Junior blushed and made a face. Aziraphale gently stroked Junior’s hair. 

“We are going to talk about that next Saturday night. I think we’ve giving you enough to think about for tonight. I’m going to go get dessert while you children decide what we are going to watch,” Aziraphale said as he got up and went to the kitchen.

“Father?” Datura asked softly.

“Yes, spawn?”

“This all sounds really scary.”

“I agree.”

Datura unfolded and stood before settling in Crowley’s lap. Crowley cuddled his child close. Datura rested their head on Crowley’s shoulder. Junior joined his siblings on the couch, sitting by Rosa. They were all feeling a little lost and needed the comfort of being close. Aziraphale returned with a tray of dessert to find his family curled closer together on the sofa. He put the tray down on the coffee table. 

“Darlings?” he asked softly.

“They’re feeling a little overwhelmed,” Crowley said, putting his arms around all his babies. 

Aziraphale nodded. “Let’s have some warm apple dumplings and ice cream while we watch something silly on TV.”

It was Clem that broke the silence. “Ice cream does make things better.”


	5. Car Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley and Datura have a talk during a drive

“Father, I’m bored. 

Crowley turned from glaring at his plants to find Datura standing behind him. He smiled. Datura had their hands shoved in the pockets of their skinny jeans. Their Hello Kitty t-shirt was under an unbuttoned flannel shirt. The whole outfit was capped with a pair of well-loved Doc Martin boots. 

“Where are they others?” Crowley asked.

“Rosa is reading; Clem is napping; Junior is watching TV; and Angelica is in a mood,” Datura sighed.

“I was going to check the fluids and take the Bentley out,” Crowley said. “Want to help?”

Datura jumped at the chance. “Of course I do!”

Crowley grinned. “Okay, spawn. Let’s head outside and take care of our lady.”

While Crowley got several bottles of different fluids, Datura popped the hood and get it propped up. They gazed lovingly into the engine compartment. Crowley put the bottles on the ground and rolled up his sleeves. Datura checked the oil, like Crowley had shown him. 

“Oil looks good, Father,” they reported. 

Crowley nodded. “That’s very important. Always, always, always keep a good eye on your oil.”

Crowley checked the brake fluid while Datura topped off the windscreen washer fluid. They worked quietly, each one caught up in their own thoughts. They finished their checks and put the fluid bottles back in the garage. Crowley grinned at his child, his fangs glinting in the sunlight.

“Let’s take her out for a run, hmm?”

“Can I drive her, Father? Please?” Datura begged.

Crowley tossed them the keys. “Just to the end of the driveway.”

Datura got in on the driver’s side, gently stroking the steering wheel. Crowley settled into the passenger side. Datura started the car, smiling softly when the Bentley’s engine purred. They carefully drove from the garage to the road and stopped. Crowley was relaxing in the passenger seat. 

“How about if you drive until we get to town,” the demon suggested. 

“Hear that, old girl? Let’s go,” Datura told the Bentley.

They wiggled happily in the driver’s seat before putting the Bentley into gear. They checked the road and, upon finding it clear, hit the gas. They settled in, turning on the radio. David Bowie came on. Datura grinned. 

“You know it’s me, don’t you, sweetness?” they murmured to the Bentley.

Crowley knew the Bentley would keep them safe. He could feel something similar to love radiating from the car toward Datura. He often felt the same feeling when he drove. Datura couldn’t stop smiling, loving the feeling of the car responding to them. They sighed as they approached the village. Pulling into the parking lot at the library, they parked. Switching sides with Crowley, they settled into the passenger side. Crowley tore out of the parking lot, getting back on the road. 

“Once we get out of town, we’ll let her stretch her legs,” he told Datura. 

Crowley pulled through a drive-through and got them each a soft drink. When they got on the open road, Crowley glanced over at his child. Datura’s eyes were closed and their little forked tongue poked out, scenting the air that rushed by them. Crowley cleared his throat. 

“Tura?”

Datura opened their eyes and looked over at Crowley. The demon gripped the steering wheel, swallowing a few times. He sighed and set his jaw. 

“I’m glad we have time alone. I wanted to talk to you about a few things.”

“Am I in trouble, Father?” Datura asked, their voice shaking.

“No, spawn. I just . . . I noticed that you’ve been . . . you’ve seemed a little uncomfortable with our Saturday night talks.”

Datura looked down, studying their knees. They hadn’t thought they had been obvious enough that anyone would be able to tell. They blinked a few times, fighting back the tears that were threatening.

“I . . . It’s just so . . . absolute,” they finally said. “I know that I’m going to be physically more like Junior and Clem. No matter what I feel like inside.”

Crowley nodded. “You all don’t seem to be able to change your physical corporations, but that doesn’t matter, okay? You can present yourself outwardly to match how you feel inwardly.”

“Even if that changes a lot?” Datura asked.

“Absolutely! Even if it changes hourly. Azirafather and I want you to be you, whatever that means.”

Datura was quiet for a minute. “Father? Do you and Azirafather ever . . . feel like me?”

“I do probably more than Azirafather,” Crowley told them. “He is very comfortable with presenting as a male. I’ve always been a little more . . . flexible. And that’s okay. You have to be comfortable and happy with who you are.”

“And Azirafather is . . . okay that sometimes you like to change?”

Crowley nodded. “He does. If he didn’t, I couldn’t be with him. He understand that it’s about me and what I need and feel at the time. Just like we understand you and what you need.”

“What if . . . what if I never find anyone who understand like you and Azirafather do?”

“Oh, spawn!” Crowley said, resting his hand on his child’s knee. “You will. All of you will have to find very understanding partners because you all are different than a mortal in so many ways. You will find someone who loves you just as you are. I promise. I thought the same thing, but I found your Azirafather who loves me just as I am. And if an angel and a demon can find love with each other, there is no doubt in my mind that you will find someone who loves you just as you are.”

Datura said softly, “I’m scared.”

“I know, lovey, I know,” Crowley soothed. “But it will be okay. I promise.”

Datura took a sip of their drink, trying to stay calm and not cry. Crowley could feel the emotions battering his child’s soul – fear, hurt, confusion. He wanted nothing more than to make everything okay for Datura, for all his kids. 

“Tura, you are a gentle, sensitive soul. But you are strong too. You just need to stay focused on what you want. Pretty soon, you’ll start dating and that has its own complications. Just remember you don’t have anything to prove to anyone, okay? You have to be happy with you and stay safe. Azirafather and I will support you no matter what.”

Datura sniffled loudly. Crowley worried that he had majorly messed up. Maybe he should have had Aziraphale talk to Tura. The angel was better at being loving and sensitive.

“I love you, Father,” Datura said, his voice shaking. 

Crowley pulled over and stopped by the side of the road. It only took a moment for Datura to fling themself into their father’s arms and hold on tightly. Crowley stroked their hair, murmuring softly to them how much he loved them and always would. After a few minutes, Datura relaxed and settled back into the passenger seat.

“Okay now, spawn?” Crowley asked, gently wiping his child’s tears away. 

Datura nodded, not trusting themself to speak. Crowley nodded and pulled back onto the road. Datura rested their head on Crowley’s shoulder. Both were quiet for a few moments.

“Father? What if . . . what if I don’t want to be with anyone?”

Crowley smiled. “Then that’s how it will be. Whatever you choose, baby, Azirafather and I will love you forever and always. Just . . . just don’t shut others out because you’re afraid. Be choosey and particular, but don’t shut yourself off from all your options.”

“It’s scary, Father. I . . . I wish we didn’t have to grow up. I wish things could stay the same forever.”

“Me too, spawn. Me too,” Crowley sighed. “But, we don’t really have a choice so we have to handle it as best we can. I’m scared, too. I’m scared that I’ll mess things up somehow. I’m scared that one of you will get hurt. I’m scared that I want to protect you too much. But we’ll get through this together.”

“Can we go home?” Datura asked.

“Are you okay?” Crowley asked, afraid he has somehow harmed or upset them. 

Datura nodded, cuddling closer. “Azirafather will be mad if we are late for dinner. Then we’ll both be in trouble.”

“Okay, spawn,” the demon said with a little smile. “I want you to remember that you can always talk to me about anything. I don’t care what it is. If you have questions, ask. If you need to talk, I’ll listen. We are very alike, you and me. And I understand more than you know. Just . . . don’t ever be afraid to ask for help.”

“Yes, Father,” Datura said. 

“I love you, kid,” Crowley said. 

Datura grinned and hugged their father’s arm. “And I love you, Father.”

The Bentley’s engine revved. Datura laughed and patted her dashboard affectionately. Crowley stroked the steering wheel with his thumbs. 

“And we both love you, old girl,” Crowley told the car. 

The drove home in comfortable silence. Datura stayed close to Crowley, calmed and comforted by the scent of their father being close. Once they arrived back at the cottage, they settled the Bentley into the garage and walked to the house. Crowley hugged Datura tightly and kissed the top of their head. 

“Thank you, Father,” Datura said, looking up to Crowley. 

“Don’t mention it, spawn,” Crowley told them with a smile. “Let’s go see what is going on inside.”


	6. People Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale and Crowley have The Talk with the snildren about their people shaped bodies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awkward talk about "amorous congress" in people form.

Aziraphale worked on getting dinner ready. It kept his mind busy and off the conversation he and Crowley were having with the children that evening. He was nervous. Even though he felt prepared to speak about people-shaped amorous congress, he was a little afraid of the questions that might be asked. He was not experienced in such matters outside of his relationship with Crowley. Cooking helped calm his mind and kept his hands busy. Idle hand were . . . well, Someone’s workshop. 

Dinner was a raucous affair. Angelica has a football game that morning and had scored two goals. Junior and Datura spent the day with Clem, helping Crowley patrol the orchard. Rosa read most of the day. The children regaled each other with their adventures, laughing and teasing each other throughout the meal. Crowley frowned when he noticed his angel picking at dinner and looking worried. 

“Angel? You okay?”

Six pairs of eyes landed on Aziraphale. He nodded, sighed, and began clearing the table. Crowley and the children helped.   
Crowley sent them into the family room to get a few moments alone with Aziraphale. 

“Angel?” he asked again, touching Aziraphale’s shoulder.

“Oh, Crowley!” he sighed. “What if we mess this up? Maybe . . . maybe we should wait.”

Crowley wrapped his arms around his husband. He murmured, “We’ll do just fine. We’ve gotten through a lot of it. Just one more talk and we are done for now.”

The angel nodded and wiped his hands on a dish towel. “Let’s get this over with.”

They sat on the loveseat. The children settled in around them, reading the tension around the angel. Rosa sat next to him, holding his hand while Clem stretched along the back and rested his head on Aziraphale’s shoulder. Angelica sat between them. Junior and Datura sat on pillows on the floor, resting their heads against Crowley’s legs. 

“We are going to talk about your people-shaped bodies tonight,” Aziraphale told them. “People-shape is very different than snake-shape. We talked about the changed that your teen years will bring. Those changes are what will make you ready to engage in . . . amorous congress and, eventually, procreate. It really is a simple process. The male deposits the male cells used to reproduce into the female in hopes that it is the right time for the egg to be fertilized.”

The children blinked slowly. Junior looked up. “Is that it?”

Aziraphale gave a little shrug. “Technically, yes.”

Junior frowned,” Azirafather, do you not want to tell us about this?”

“Oh, darling, no!” Aziraphale told him. “It’s just . . . this is a little hard to talk about, even though it is perfectly natural.”

Crowley rolled his eyes and said, “Okay. So we talked about snake parts and how snakes do it. People are more complicated. People can have sex with the opposite gender, the same gender, or those with no gender. They can do it with one person for their whole life or more than one person. Human sex is about more than simple procreation.”

“What’s it about then?” Junior asked.

Crowley grinned. “It feels good. People like things that feel good.”

“During the process, humans get more excited and aroused, eventually reaching a high point . . . le petit mort,” Aziraphale told them.

Rosa looked horrified. “The little death? People die from . . . amorous congress?”

Crowley snorted. “Angel, let me do this, okay? No, little one, no one dies. That’s just an old term for the highest point of excitement, the climax. That’s when the male-bodied person releases sperm. The female-bodied person’s high point is more . . . internal.”

The children looked at each other, clearly confused and full of questions. Crowley had an idea and he was pretty sure Aziraphale wasn’t going to like it.

“Okay, how about this? You ask, we answer. Yes?” he said with a nod.

They were quiet for a few moments until Junior asked, “How does the male-bodied person reach the high point and when does it feel good?”

Crowley thought for a moment. It was Aziraphale who answered. “Stimulation of the male organ will bring on the climax. When aroused, that stimulation is very pleasurable.”

“Stimulate with what?” Junior asked. 

Crowley took over. “The simplest explanation is to insert tab A into slot B. What tab A is and what slot B is can vary depending on the people involved. Hands, mouths, other body cavities . . .”

Angelica frowned. “Like with snakes sorta?”

“Kind of, yes,” Crowley nodded. “But people parts are on the outside.”

“And people don’t have a hemipenis,” Datura added. 

Crowley grinned. “Too right that.”

“But you and Azirafather . . .” Datura began. “You are both male-bodied. How do . . .?”

Crowley closed his eyes for a moment, steadying his nerves. He felt Aziraphale squeezed his hand. 

“Father and I are special,” Aziraphale told them. “We can change our corporations to take on different forms if we want. Sometimes we do. Other times, we stay as we are and make it work. Remember, as your father said, there are many different . . . options for slot B.”

“The mechanics of the process are easy,” Crowley said softly. “But, there has to be a lot of trust and caring between the people. Otherwise, it won’t be as good. And, remember what I said about consent.”

“Do you have to . . .?” Junior asked. “You know, tab A in slot B?”

“Not at all,” Aziraphale told him. “There are many other things that are beyond just that! There is kissing and touching and holding each other. Those are good parts too and make your human body ready for more . . . involved activities.”

Angelica frowned. “You keep saying tab A INTO slot B. So someone actually has to put part of them IN someone else?”

Aziraphale swallowed hard. “W-Well, yes.”

“That sounds perfectly horrible,” Rosa declared.

“Too bloody right it does!” Angelica agreed. “Sounds painful too.”

“Well,” Aziraphale said slowly, “It can be . . . uncomfortable at first.”

“For everyone involved?” Angelica growled. “Or just slot B?”

“Spitfire,” Crowley said, calling her by his pet name, “It’s really not that bad. I know it sounds ghastly, but you have to trust me. It feels good for everyone involved. Eventually.”

Junior looked up at his fathers with a tiny grin, “So is that what Adult Time is about?”

Aziraphale give him a little smile and said, “The physical part, yes. But there is so much more. It is the closeness that makes it special.”

“Why do you have to be naked?” Datura asked softly.

“Nude,” Rosa said, rolling her eyes. “I keep telling you that it’s not naked. That sounds so coarse.”

“It’s not art,” Junior told her. “So naked is fine.”

“I suppose you don’t have to get naked,” Crowley said thoughtfully. “I mean, you have to get sort of naked, at least the tabs and slots for, er, accessibility, but . . . well . . . er . . .”

“What your father is trying to say, is that when you love someone, you want to be close to them – as close as you can possibly get. You want nothing between you and your beloved. That’s what Adult Time and all of . . . this is about,” Aziraphale told them.

“So, when you and Father do Adult Time, you are . . .,” Datura waved his hands.

“Tab A-ing into slot B-ing?” Junior finished.

Aziraphale blushed and Crowley laughed. The demon ruffed Junior’s hair and said, “Sometimes. Sometimes just cuddling.”

“Who is tab A and who is slot B?” Junior asked.

“Junior!” Rosa hissed. “You can’t ASK people that!”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s not our business who is . . . which tab . . . it’s just not proper!” Rosa told him.

“Your sister is right,” Aziraphale said gently. “Adult Time is private between the people involved. But know that what happens between Father and I is done in love.”

“The mechanics are simple,” Crowley told them. “The feelings are not. So, before you lot decide to mess about with tabs and slots, think, okay?”

“Are we going to talk about love?” Rosa asked.

Aziraphale gave a happy wiggle. “Oh, my darling, of course we will talk about love. That will be our last talk, at least for now.”

“I’m not messing about with tabs and slots and love,” Angelica grunted. “It sounds perfectly horrible. Along with all that other rubbish.”

“Be that as it may,” Aziraphale said. “Any further questions for tonight?”

The children looked at each other, finding eye contact a little more than uncomfortable. Junior and Datura moved closer to Crowley, needing contact to make them feel more normal. Angelica snuggled into Crowley’s side. The angel stood up, allowing Rosa to scoot over and cuddle against her siblings. Clem slithered into Crowley’s lap and coiled.

“How about if I go get us a lovely warm snack and we watch a little television before bed?” Aziraphale suggested. “Maybe some cocoa and cookies? That should help you all to feel a little more balanced.”

“Sounds great, angel,” Crowley said, pulling the children closer, surrounding them with feelings of love and safety. “Absolutely tickety-boo.”


	7. Love talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The snildren and the Dad squad talk about love.

Crowley sat at the table with his family as they had a lovely, hearty dinner of beef stew and homemade bread. The children had an active day, playing outside after Angelica’s football game. Crowley loved the chatter and energy the children brought to his life. He jabbed at his bowl of stew and sighed softly. Another talk tonight, this time about love. Aziraphale gently patted his shoulder. 

“Eat, darling,” the angel said softly. 

Crowley shrugged a little and poked at the bowl again. The angel dipped some bread in Crowley’s bowl and offered it to the demon. Crowley nibbled at it, giving the angel a mournful look. Aziraphale kissed his nose then tucked a lock of red hair behind the demon’s ear. 

“Is Father sick?” Datura asked.

Aziraphale shook his head. “No, darling. Father is just nervous and that makes it hard for him to eat.”

Junior slurped the end of his soup. “Can I have Father’s if he’s not going to eat it?”

The angel frowned. “Father needs to eat his own food. If you are still hungry, there’s more on the stove.”  
Junior got up to get more soup. Crowley watched him, noticing how tall his baby was getting. Junior and Tura definitely were going to be tall and thin like him. Junior rejoined the family at the table bumping the table as he sat back down. 

“Sorry,” he murmured. “The stew is really tasty, Azirafather.”

“Thank you, darling. Keeping five growing teen-agers from eating us out of house and home is going to be a challenge,” Aziraphale teased gently. 

Crowley swallowed hard and sniffled. He studied his soup, willing himself not to start crying right there. He leaned against Aziraphale, seeking comfort. The angel pulled him close, trying to coax him into eating a little. 

Offering a spoon of stew, he murmured, “For me, darling?” 

The demon sighed and ate grudgingly. Aziraphale smiled and offered him another spoonful when he had finished chewing. He was only eating to make his angel happy. When the bowl was nearly empty, the angel dipped more bread in the broth and offered it to him. He nibbled at it.

“Let’s go into the living room, my loves,” Aziraphale said softly. “We are due for one more talk, this time about love.”

Junior wrinkled his nose. “Ew.”

“It’s not ew!” Rosa said. “It’s lovely!”

“We aren’t going to talk more about tabs and slots, are we?” Angelica asked suspiciously.

Aziraphale blushed. “No, darling. Something much more important and a little harder to describe.”

The angel stood and helped Crowley to his feet. He led the demon into the family room and settled him on the sofa. After wrapping him in a blanket, Aziraphale settled next to Crowley and pulled him close. Crowley put his feet on top of the angel’s, squeezing Aziraphale’s toes with his own. Rosa sat next to Aziraphale with Clem coiled in her lap. Angelica snuggled against Crowley’s side. Datura and Junior sat on pillows on the floor, resting their heads on Crowley’s legs. Aziraphale was quiet for a moment before he began.

“Love is . . . It’s hard to explain. It is very individualized but also a universal thing. There are many different kinds of love, but what Father and I want to talk about is romantic love.”

Junior made a face at Datura who wrinkled their nose. Clem shifted in Rosa’s lap, tipping his head to one side to listen better. 

“Did you and Father love each other right away?” Rosa asked.

“I did,” Crowley said softly. “I love your Azirafather the moment I saw him. It took him a little longer to decide he loved me back, though.”

“I always loved you, my dear,” Aziraphale corrected. “I just needed time to admit to myself that I loved you romantically.”

Datura said softly, “We see love all the time. Like at dinner when you were feeding Father because he needed you to do that. And when Father brings you tea while you are reading.”

“That’s just being nice,” Angelica said. “Right?”

“Father and I take care of each other because we love each other. Just like we take care of all of you because we love you, but in a different way,” Aziraphale told her. 

Crowley cleared his throat and said, “Spawn, I had to learn about love. It comes naturally to angels, but demons aren’t supposed to understand it. Your Azirafather taught me. I can tell you that it’s not all give and it’s not all take. A lot of times it’s a heaven of a lot more give than take. But you give because you want what’s best for the other one.”

“That’s very true,” Aziraphale continued. “The rush of first infatuation is what most people think of when they think of love. While that is a heady time of excitement, that’s not love. Love is a comfortable feeling where you think about the other person as much as or more than yourself. When you are in love, the physical part is so much more intense.”

“Do you have to be in love to . . . you know, tab-and-slot?” Junior asked.

“No, I suppose not,” Aziraphale answered. “But eventually you decide you want more than the physical part and want a more . . . spiritual union. That is love.”

“When you’re young, you may just want to have fun. But, as you get older, you find that it’s better when you love the person you are with,” Crowley told him. “Because you think about the other person and not just your own pleasure.”

“What if . . . what if you can’t find your person?” Datura asked softly. 

Crowley stroked their hair. “You will. I promise. It may not be the first one you date, but you will find them.”

“If you want to,” Aziraphale added. “If you want to have a person, you can. If you don’t want to have a person, you don’t have to. You may decide you want to have the spiritual connection and not the physical part. That’s okay. You will find what works for you.”

Datura pressed closer to Crowley’s legs. Junior leaned back against them so they had more contact. When any of them were stressed, the others knew that contact was the cure. Angelica slid to the floor to sit behind Datura, gently carding her fingers through their hair. 

They sighed softly and sniffled. “This is hard – all this growing up. I just . . . It’s so much.”

Aziraphale gently wiped away a stray tear with his thumb. “I know, love. I know this all seems like too much to process. Father and I will always be here to help all of you. Don’t ever be afraid to talk to us. No matter what, we’re family and family is forever.”

Datura crawled up into Crowley’s lap, folding their long legs to press a close as possible. Angelica and Junior settled back on the couch, cuddling close to Crowley and Datura. Crowley wrapped his arm around Junior and Angelica. Rosa and Clem snuggled against Aziraphale, also wanting the closeness. 

“Okay, spawn, you’re saying loud and clear that you’re all a bit overwhelmed,” Crowley said gently. “How about something sweet and some TV before bed?”

“Can we stay like this for just a few minutes more?” Junior asked.

Aziraphale looked a little worried. “Darlings? What’s wrong?”

“It’s just a lot,” Rosa murmured, petting Clem’s head. 

They sat together, taking comfort in just being together. After a while, Aziraphale went to get a tray of cocoa and cookies while Crowley stayed on the sofa with the children. Once they got their snacks and found something to watch on TV, the children settled on cushions on the floor, staying close but not needing the contact. Junior laid on his belly on the floor with his feet on Crowley’s leg. Crowley rested his head on his angel’s shoulder. Everything in his world was just perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this all makes sense. I'm not an expert on love, but I think the snildren see it in how their fathers treat each other.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Kedreeva for creating this sandbox.
> 
> Many thanks to Quilly and OlwenDylluan for the encouragement.


End file.
